Slumps don't bother me.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.