I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Slumps don't bother me.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.