Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.