Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.