Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.