Les Dawson Quotes

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

Slumps don't bother me.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.