The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.