The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.