The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?

Slumps don't bother me.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.