The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.