The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.