The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.