The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.