The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.