The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

Slumps don't bother me.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.