The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.