I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.