Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

Slumps don't bother me.