My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.