I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.