I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.