I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.