I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.