I know my name will always be linked with women.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.