I know my name will always be linked with women.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.