I know my name will always be linked with women.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.