Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.