Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.