I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

I know my name will always be linked with women.