I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.