I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.