I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.