I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.