I've finally found my home - as Lt. Frank Drebin.

I don't think anybody can really sit down and decide that their mission in life is to make people think. I think their mission in life is to leave people alone!

The actual distance a bad golfer is going to hit the ball with any club obviously depends on many factors, not the least of which is whether the ball was actually hit at all.

Any sport that comes from Scotland is good!

Doing nothing is very tough to do because you never know when you're finished. The upside is that from the moment you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

Are you having problems hearing? If so, those around you already know it. Hearing loss is no laughing matter, so don't be a punchline.

It doesn't really matter where I go (Heaven or Hell). I'll have plenty of friends in both places.