It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.

Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.

The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.