It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.

Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...

If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.