It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!

I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.