It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.

When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is.

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! "We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again."

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.