I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.

When you're done [with writing a book], people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.