I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.