I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!