I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.