I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes