That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! "We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again."

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it.

This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.