You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.