I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, 'Do you see a bomb?' 'I don't see a bomb.' 'There's no bomb.' 'I've only got two stops - let's go for it.

Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.