A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.

sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers

There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.

If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'

I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka.