Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.

If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.

What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.