Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.