Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

I never write anything down. I write onstage.

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation