The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! "We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again."

I never write anything down. I write onstage.

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.