We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!

There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.

The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.

I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.

I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas. I know - I was shocked, too. Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and there on one corner was a Starbucks, and across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, there was - a Starbucks. I looked back and forth, thinking the sun was playing tricks with my eyes. That there was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks - and that, my friends, is the end of the universe.

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it.

Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.