Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!

If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that's the truth.

They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!