Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.

I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to this party and do some networking?"

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.