How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.