I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...

It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!