I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people.

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'