I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.

I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.