I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.

You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.