The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka.

I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.