The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.

Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!

The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'

People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.