In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.

I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through the Democrats, I may be dead. I don't know how much older I can get.

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.

If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.