In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.