Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.

Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.