Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, 'I've got a really bad idea.' And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, 'And I can make it sh*ttier.'

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.