Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

Self-love is a big part of golf.

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.