Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.

Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.

I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.