Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka.

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'