I never write anything down. I write onstage.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.

On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.

Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.