My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.'

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.