I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that's the truth.

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.