In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks.

The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.