Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go "who are you," and you can say: "I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?"

"Equestrian", by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.

Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.

Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.

It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.

Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation