I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, 'I've got a really bad idea.' And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, 'And I can make it sh*ttier.'

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.