If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.

Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.