When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.

"Equestrian", by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.