When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!