It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.