It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.