Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.