Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.

Thank God kids never mean well

Every day I read the newspapers, and no matter how cynical I get, it's imposssible to keep up.

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth.

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.

In the depths of the night, fear grips my heart. It paralyzes my mind. But most of all, I feel very, very alone

The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year-everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.