You can try to change New York, but it's like Jay-Z says: Concrete bunghole where dreams are made up, there's nothing you can do.

In my experience, 'let's think about it' usually ends up as me watching Solid Gold in my basement on prom night.

I don't need anyone. Because I can do every single thing that a person in a relationship can. Everything. Even zip up my own dress. You know, there are some things that are actually harder to do with two people. Such as monologues.

Can I share with you my worldview? All of humankind has one thing in common: the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.

Did you really think I wouldn't recognize my college futon, with its trademark absence of sex stains?

I was inspired by a question that kept repeating itself in my mind: Could I really change my life? I'd spent so many days, weeks, months, and years thinking about doing things with my life, and now I wanted to know, if I committed to a goal and woke up every single day working hard at it, could I change my life?

If you're ordering me an edible arrangement to say thanks, I'd prefer a meat one.