I don't need anyone. Because I can do every single thing that a person in a relationship can. Everything. Even zip up my own dress. You know, there are some things that are actually harder to do with two people. Such as monologues.

I will not calm down! Women are allowed to get angrier than men about double standards.

I want to do that thing rich people do where they turn money into more money.

I have many, many voices. I talk to my dogs like in the strangest voices you can imagine.

OK, here's a little bedroom tip: Put a bag of popcorn in the microwave beforehand. That way when you're done, you have a treat.

I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

If you're ordering me an edible arrangement to say thanks, I'd prefer a meat one.