I feel like the world has just become a polyester suit that's smoldering, melting, and at some point we have to figure out how to extinguish it.

Truth be told, when you start your career out as a clown, you don't consider yourself a writer.

I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.

Commit a little bit more to the world outside of your own life. Get people talking.

By some fluke, my folks forgot to ask me the question most crucial to ensuring a lifetime of self-doubt: 'What if you fail?

I'm not sure I'm okay with 2 guys gettin' married, but I don't wanna be a jerk about it.

Really life is about narcissism; no one is ever thinking about you much. You always think people are thinking about you way more than they are.