There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

Young people don't even consider that it's a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from.

Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.