You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it.

I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good.