You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.

If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing.

We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.

I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.

The part that's difficult is being single, at 41, after 10 years of marriage and two kids. That's like having a bunch of money in a currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore.