I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.

When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.

I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.

I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.