Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it's like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind.

Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it.

If you have something to say, here's what you do: You write it down on a piece of paper, you go out in the lobby, and then you go home and you kill yourself.

I've had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That'll always outweigh the good times.

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in.